RIP Robin Williams

Wow, this made me really sad. I never watched all of his movies and I didn't follow his every move, but what he did was amazing. He was gifted in a way to brighten so many people's days. I'll never forget watching Mrs. Doubtfire as a little girl, Jumanji, or Genie in Aladdin. I am grateful to have been touched by what he did. If is so sad how the people who bring joy and laughter to others may lack it the most. It really makes you reflect. You never know what battle the person sitting right next to you might be fighting- or losing. A person's mind is an undiscovered wonder. 

p.s. I want to recreate that scene from Mrs. Doubtfire when he's cleaning into a dance because of that one day in dance class when we had that idea after finding the brooms in the closet when I was around ten years old. 

p.p.s. As I think about that, that exact song was playing Saturday night from a man's house across the street from me taking senior pictures. I couldn't help but smile bigger and laugh to myself about how funny that scene is. All i can seem to say is wow. 

June 10, 2014

     I've been thinking about how last summer I wrote in a journal every single day. I want to do the same this year, and the thought of blogging everyday came up. I then realized that I get pretty personal and embarrassing in those writings. I've decided that summer didnt really start until like yesterday because of graduation, the SAT (which was super easy compared to those AP tests [but we'll see when I get my score back]), and a typical Sunday. Now summer has officially started and I spent two hours bored out of my mind. Yay. I just realized that I could've been watching vlogbrothers videos. Ugh, too late now. (I'm going to prepare a well thought out post about John and Hank Green.)
   

Denied

     I'm getting teary-eyed before even writing anything yet. According to my parents, Uganda isn't happening.  I can't believe that I'm not going to be going. Okay here the waterworks come. They don't understand. It kills me inside. I sat next to my friends yesterday as they talked about how their parents said yes and they'd be going. I sat next to them and cried. I'm missing out on the experience of a lifetime because my parents said no. Do they understand that I want to go and help people? That I want to explore the world? That I'll never have an opportunity like this ever again? I want to go so badly that I've cried in the shower, in public, and now. That doesn't make logical sense, but I hope the point comes across. I've wanted this so badly. The worst part is being able to picture the whole trip in my head with my best friends and not being able to ever see that vision come to life. I think I'm passionate about helping others and wanting to travel, but how can I do those things if they won't let me? I hate it. It hurts, it really does. I'm so close, but can't.
     So what are the reasons why I can't go? They don't think I'll be safe. Bull. I'm going with a teacher who I completely trust. She's been the one who read my three page run on of my thoughts sophomore year. She's been the one to offer me a spot at NTLP during last summer where I met so many cool people and learned to be more aware that other people go through their own struggles. She's always helping her students. They don't understand. We're going to a part of Africa with no war. Sure things happen but I'm safe. I have no doubt about it. I'm completely safe. I think the biggest thing is money. We can't afford it, at all. I've thought of getting a job and giving up sports next year. I couldn't do it though. I've tried to think of hours to work during school and sports. They don't have any money to give me for this. I never ask for clothes or anything that often because I know. It sucks. I wish that we had more, but I guess it makes me appreciate what I do have. Some are more fortunate than others and that's why I want to go. I don't have much compared to some of my friends, but I have so much more than the kids in Africa or even around town. I'm embarrassed to bring my friends to my house so I just don't. I hope I'm not judged for my sentence structure and lack of flow in these excerpts.
      I'm never going to forgive them for this. It's always going to hurt.

to B or not to B

     Just about two minutes ago I had a realization. I don't need straight A's. I just don't need them. So what if I get straight A's for the rest of my high school career? That will that accomplish? I won't be valedictorian anyways. Maybe it's time for me to get my first B... ever. It's going to happen this semester, I can sense it. Why bother maintaining my perfect transcript.
     What I realized is that I should be spending time on the things that I love to do. And at about two a.m. last night/ this morning I decided that maybe what I do when I procrastinate is my passion. When I'm avoiding my homework, I enjoy cleaning, reorganizing, an redecorating my room. I mapped out my walls and sketched where I want to put shelves and whatnot around my room. I think it's marvelous how each item has it's own place to be. I never want to stop having ideas about how I can improve a setting, or a life. I think that helping others is instrumental to a good well being.
     Back to school, I just don't think that having an A in every class is worth it anymore. There's always going to be someone ahead of me. I wish I knew what goes through people's heads when they know that I've never had a B on a report card before. Progress reports mean nothing, but a legit report card. I know that I'm not going to be rejected by a college if I get a 4.3 instead of a 4.5. I want to find myself right now. I don't know what I can do. Like if I want to peruse a career in interior design, what's anatomy going to help me with? I've always taken the hard classes because being smart and going to college is the right thing to do. Well nobody ever told me what there is at college, all of the different options and varying opportunities I have. This kind of awful, sleepless, trudging school experience is no fun. I want excitement and a place where I can express myself. I can't picture myself at a computer desk for eight hours day after day. I refuse that life.
     So if the next time I post about report cards or grades is when I have a B+ because it was a 89%, I won't be sad or disappointed.  I'll be glad that I dared myself to get a B. It's ridiculous the amount of stuff my teachers let me do, as in turning late work in without a penalty. I think I've been daring them to punish me for it. Well I'm thinking that if I get a B then I don't have to put the pressure on myself anymore to keep straight A's. I always have been the one to push myself, not my parents. I'll be deserving of whatever grades I get this semester. They'll reflect my performance and I'll be proud of myself no matter th outcome because I've learned so much in other areas of my life that school isn't the most important thing to me anymore, my own personal development and happiness is.
     This was mostly about accepting it now, last year I would've flipped out. But that's the great thin about growing up, our perspectives are ever changing. I conclude this with genuine serenity.

Eleven Words

(So I turned in that project the period before I presented it, three days after it was due...)

     Okay, so I'm Catholic, and yesterday at church we had a guest priest celebrating mass. He was from Slovakia and had been doing missionary work in Honduras. He was amazing. It was awesome to hear the way that he looked at the world. I felt like I really related to him. He'd gone through so much in order to help others who live in such awful conditions compared to the developed countries. The diseases, and the labor that he went through were intense, but the remarkable part is how he'd been able to overcome them and reach out to the poorest of the poor. It's inspiring.
     I wish I could do something like that- go to another country to help others. That's why I want to go to Uganda, but my parents won't let me. The last words that the priest, Father Jasso Jaroslav, said we're, "Don't give up, never give up, and don't worry, be happy." I lost it after he said that. I had tears streaming down my face. I thought of Uganda and how I should not give up on wanting to go. Those last words really hit home. I thought of the second half, how it pretty much summed up my junior year. Like, why do I need to worry about things, I'm only sixteen. I have my whole life to worry about more important things.
      So I was standing there, wiping my tears, feeling really embarrassed that I was crying in church. (Even though I'm a really emotional person and cry all of the time in public from hearing, reading, or remembering something.) I didn't even say the right words at the end of mass or sing the right words to the closing song. I just kept repeating to myself those words so that I wouldn't forget what moved me to tears. I wrote them down when I got to my room and they're pinned to my cork board now. I like keeping quotes around. On my board, currently I have Walt Disney, Henry David Thoreau, One Direction, Amara Sharp, Matthew 17:20, Halls pep talk, and Great Gatsby quotes. I can't wait until I print out some John Green. I've become a bit obsessed with him since I read....
       Wow, way off track there. So Father Jaroslav really said what I needed to hear. Those eleven words summed up my existence. I never did get to thank him for what he said. Right when I thought things were going good, I found out that the Uganda meeting is at the same time as the confirmation rehearsal in which I'd committed myself to doing in April. Also, my dad is not going to go if he has to take my sisters to basketball practice. I kinda gave up on Uganda, but I really don't want to. I think about it everyday. I want this experience. I've been thinking of how to raise the money on my own- the jobs I'll work, what I'll have to sacrifice. I've thought a lot about it. It really sucks that my parents aren't supportive about this. I always ask them if I can travel, with a safe and trustworthy group I might add, and every time my dad just laughs at me. It bothers me that he won't even give it a chance. I have begged for Uganda and if he at least goes to the meeting I'll be happy. If after that he makes his final decision, I'll respect it.
      I have not given up yet. Thank you Fr. Jaroslav. I also advise you to take these words and hopefully they make a difference in your life, too.

Organization

     Do you know what calms me? Organization. It's a beautiful thing. I love when I can just clean my room and put things in order according to however I want. An hour ago I went through the clothes in my closet, put them in color order, and just cleaned it up. I went through some shelves, too. I really like going through my personal desk. I have notepads and journals, plus a bunch of other crap that stays in my drawer. Just putting things back in order where they can be easily found and where it looks nice is very pleasing to me.
     I like having things my way and when I organize, I'm the only person who has a say. It's wonderful. Maybe I could be a professional organizer or something. I like interior design, too. I am planning on decorating my own house from scratch someday. I can't wait to get my own dorm room or appartment because I can decorate it how I want. I have big ideas. Pinterest is a life saver, too.
     It's ironic, though. I write instead of doing my English right now. I'm throwing myself off track. I like order, but my method of studying and doing homework is anything but organized. Procrastination nation. I wonder if I will ever get out of this bad habit. I guess I work better under pressure? It's hard to say. I really don't want to start this thing- I tried to sit down an hour and forty minutes ago, but it led to cleaning my closet and then to this. I love being able to distract myself.

Summer Is Coming

     There are three more weeks until school ends. I don't even know what I'm going to be doing in class because AP tests are over and there's nothing to study for anymore. I did enjoy that day last week when I watched a movie or a show in five out of my six classes. That was amazing. I noticed that my stress level was so much lower that day an the day after. I wasn't worrying about school or the homework that I wasn't doing that day. (Unlike now because I should be doing an English assignment that's due tomorrow and I haven't starte yet.) I wish every day could be that stress free, but I was told that until I get what I want I'm going to have to stress a lot more. It was something like that.
     Summer is almost here and I've already started to do more things with my friends. I'm very greatful to have the group of firends that I do have. I have an idea that I think I will follow through with. It's to write a note on a card or something to each person that I want to acknowledge for this year. I think it'll be fun to give out to people. Friendships are something that really became important this year for me. I didn't realize how much human contact and relationships really affect an individual. I think it's pretty interesting how each person has a unique relationship with everyone that they meet. None are exactly the same. It's so cool how our minds work. Maybe I could get into psychology or something. I  still have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.
     There was another bullet that I wanted to cover but I forgot it. Um, I want to make some money this summer. I've started making a list of different things I can do or jobs I can apply for. I feel so old thinking about this kind of stuff. It's eye opening realizing that I'm going to be a senior in high school in a matter of weeks. Top of the food chain. I've already got lower class men calling me Senior during basketball. I know that I'm going to get very sentimental during this next year. It's just how I am. Me and my friends are going to make senior year the best year, it's not going to make itself happen. We can all drive now and it's exciting growing up with the bunch of kids who understand where you're coming from and can share their thoughts. We're so similar but also very different from each other, which keeps the group lively since new ideas and perspectives come up in conversations. I hope that we all stick together next year.
     This summer I'm going to work on self improvement in several aspects of my life. I wonder if I'll come back to school different with small or big changes. It doesn't sound like it makes sense, but I hope that you understand what I'm trying to say. I think everyone has that image of how they want to be, if not then this is awkward. I have this picture in my head of how I want to look and be but I don't know how to get from here to there. I've always just told myself that in collee it'll magically happen, but what I've experienced this year is that if you want something, you've got to make it happen for yourself. This makes life difficult for me because I have great ideas and stuff, but I'm so forgetful and narrow minded at times that I completely forget them. Like I missed the SAT sign ups twice. I still have SAT and ACT forms and stuff to either complete or print. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I remember to do them and am able to test. I guess it's another personality trait.
     I do get to spend more time with my family, though. I hate being the mean big sister, but to get stuff done i need to be. I cried watching Frozen the first time during "Do You Want to Build a Smowman?" because I felt like Elsa. I am Elsa. I push my little sisters away when they want to play with me and I don't let people in. I need to learn how to Let It Go. I really love that movie because I can see how my actions have consequences and I don't want to lose the relationships I have with my little sisters. It is hard because they are 4 and 6 years younger than me, soon to be 5 and 7. The age gap is a huge factor. It's okay, they'll grow up, but now they are so annoying. I've gone to bed with a sore throat from screaming at them. It's not like I enjoy being mean. My friends have never seen this side of me. I wonder how they'd react. I guess I let out my anger on them.
     Thirteen more days of school left! Summer is going to be nostalgic, as well. The last complete one with my friends before we all go our separate ways. I hope to make fantastic memories that last a lifetime. It's going to happen.

The Stories of My Blemishes

I was looking through my notes and saw this which I thought was a cool little thing to write downIt was written on March 25, 2014 at 10:04pm

Do you ever look over yourself and notice all of the scars, scrapes, blemishes, or irregularities on your body? I never did until the other day. I remembered how they got there and recalled stories I'd forgotten about. I started from my feet because I was sitting down. I saw my left leg and the scar from when I slipped in the puddle during the tennis warm up lap this season. Then I saw my knee where the two scars blended. The one on my knee was from eating shit at basketball practice over thanksgiving break my freshman year. I also banged up my elbow on that fall. I looked to my right knee and saw the scar from when I was ten and fell during Amanda's soccer game. That one was narly. I'll never understand why I was the one who fell on the black top at Patterson and why mom was the only parent who didn't turn around, even when all of the little girls playing did. On my right thigh was the scar from when I fell on the bricks lining the road at VCA during Justin's Intensity practice. I was probably going to be in seventh grade and my leg has never fully gotten rid of that indent. It was really bruised for quite a while and indented. My birth mark's always been the same for as long as I can remember. Then I looked at my hands. I have my heart shaped scar that I told a person at the beach about when I was a little girl. That's one of my earliest memories ever. I have the little scars on my right wrist from when Justin use to pinch me as kids. Up past my elbows I have two scars that are almost in the same spot on both arms but the funny thing is that I don't know where either are from. What I couldn't find was the mark from when I bent over the ceramic pampered chef pan with the cinnamon rolls and burnt my arm while taking them out. That hurt a lot and I couldn't get running water on it because of the weird spot it was at. I also tried to see any scratch marks from when mom used to dig her nails into me when she was mad, that was a long time ago but i still remember how it felt. Moving on to the cabeza. Well, I guess I'll start with my tooth. I don't tend to notice my big tooth being chipped anymore or I'm just used to looking at t all of the time. I can't believe I was seven when it happened. That's almost ten years, dang. Well Justin was clearly too young to remember because he always tells the story wrong, but it was over the plastic bench when he was pushing my head down and my neck have out, leading to my tooth breaking. It's a part of me now, like the back of my right ear. I really don't know if anyone ever notices the bulge when standing behind me. Advice for anyone who thinks they can hit a basketball with a baseball bat, don't, you can't. It was spring of eighth grade when I thought I could because Justin had but the bat ended up swinging back up to the side of my head. I dropped like a sack of potatoes. My ear bled for the rest of the night. Come to think about it now, I probably should've gotten stitches. Oh well. Other little scars on my face come from the little booger, Justin, when he used to enjoy clawing at me as a kid. My acne scars kind of tell a story about me, too. I don't know what yet, but they will. I'm especially fond of my freckles on my nose and shoulders. I think they're cute and I like getting them. I like picking the scab or getting scraped up because of the story that comes with it. 

Introducing Me

     Hmm... I really don't know how well this is going to work out but I'm really excited to be starting something like this. It should be nice putting my thoughts down and actually sharing them with whoever wants to read them. I like writing but I've never been brave enough to let people see what I write. Hopefully I stick with this because at the moment this seems like a really good idea. I want to put anything on here an hopefully have it be something that anyone can look at and either relate to or enjoy seeing. I apologize in advance if things don't make any sense.
     First of all, I'm going to just throw it out there that I'm at a point in my life where I'm extremely confused. I'm sixteen and am going to be a senior in a matter of months who's expected to know what she's supposed to do with her future. That's nowhere near where I'm at. I don't know what I want to do, like AT ALL, therefore I don't know what to major in leading to knowing where I want to go to college. Very stressful when the only small talk with adults is about college. I simply do not know and frankly I don't even want to know until it happens. I've had my share of major meltdowns about this subject- the screaming, crying, and the thought of not even waning to go to college because of all this stress. I happen to be the oldest kid in my family, which stinks in this situation because I get to go through all of this first; a procrastinator, which was super fun missing an SAT sign-up deadline, and terrifies me because of the hundreds of deadlines I'll have to keep up with next year; and an extremely indecisive person, making picking something that I'll have to stick with for my life really difficult, plus the fact that I don't have a favorite subject and am fairly equal  at them all doesn't make it any easier to choose a major.
     Another thing is that I think I might have a seasonal depression thing but I'm not positive. I just know that for the past two years during the January/ February time of year I get really sad and depressed where I cry a lot and  feel worthless and hopeless. It's not a fun time. I have several thins that I'd written during those times and will probably end up posting them.
     Well, I feel like I'm just in this quest to find myself. Being a teenager it's probably really common to feel like this but I can't really help it. I'd just like to be happy, but I don't exactly know what makes me happy. If I didn't have friends to talk to about some of this stuff I think I'd've given up on everything by now. I don't have one person who I confide in about everything so I let it out by writing my thoughts down. I have many goals in life but there's an awful break between where I'm at now and where I see myself then. The hard part is trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do to fill the gap with something worth while. Maybe this blog will help me out.